BloodRayne II: Deliverance (nope)

When in Buffy the Vampire Slayer Giles once told Buffy that they needed to talk, Buffy replied back to him: “I don’t suppose this is about happy squirrels?” “Vampires,” Giles said, and Buffy said: “That was my next guess.” As for this movie, it isn’t about happy squirrels either, but I wish it had been.

In BloodRayne II, the big evil vampire lord Billy The Kid goes to a town in the Wild West and kind of takes everyone hostage while he’s waiting for the new railroad to come through so he can get more people to kill. Or something like that. And so Rayne, half vampire and half human, passes through to save the day.

BloodRayne II: Deliverance is based on a video game, or maybe it’s only based on the prequel BloodRayne which is based on a video game. Either way, it’s a mystery how it ever got made, considering that most people agree that BloodRayne, which was nominated for six Razzie Awards, was about as entertaining as a root canal treatment. I’m not one of those people, though, and I’ll tell you why: BloodRayne may have had a silly story with silly dialoge, but at least you had Kristanna Loken in it, who makes for a damn nice vampire slayer type heroine. She’s 5′ 11″ (1.80 m) and she kicks ass! *

BloodRayne II on the other hand has Natassia Malthe in it, some model, 5′ 5″ (1.65 m), who looks quite retarded chewing on a match all the time. Of course, she was probably told to do that by Uwe Boll, who already directed part one. Rayne’s weapons look really silly and impractical and she has a very strange leather coat and bullets with holy water in them, I think. I’m simply amazed that Boll is a filmmaker still. Don’t you have to make good movies in order to keep your job in Hollywood? Maybe not. Boll also directed Alone In The Dark and House Of The Dead, by the way, two movies that barely got a 2-rating at IMDB.com. I haven’t seen those movies, but I’ve played the video games briefly, which was really enough.

While I’m one of the few people to actually defend BloodRayne on the sole fact that Underworld sucked so much more (vampires with reflections, daylight bullets…), I can’t think of anything flattering to say about this movie. Except maybe that it’s good to know that you can still be successful in Hollywood, even if you have no talent whatsoever.

*(Those of you who – like me – thought Kristanna was great in The L Word might be amazed by the fact that Guinevere Turner, writer for an actress in The L Word, actually wrote the script for BloodRayne. It doesn’t cease to amaze me.)